Twice each month, executives at the dating app company Hinge gather for a team meeting. But rather than dive into discussions about metrics or revenue, they begin by simply talking.
For the first 30 minutes of the two-hour meeting, these coworkers reveal hopes and anxieties 鈥� what they worry about, what they鈥檙e grateful for, what they鈥檙e feeling. Even at a company focused on connecting people, forging real relationships in the workplace takes effort, Hinge CEO Justin McLeod told an audience at the South by Southwest conference earlier this year. He was co-presenting at the event with Ann Shoket, whose initiative to combat workplace loneliness is called 鈥�10 Minutes to Togetherness.鈥�
As America navigates what Surgeon General Vivek Murthy described last year as employers and employees across the country are trying to address what for many people is a lack of real friendships at work.
Remote meetings of `little heads in squares'
The problem of loneliness has been bubbling for decades; Robert D. Putnam documented it in his groundbreaking book 鈥淏owling Alone鈥� nearly a quarter-century ago. Remote work has only intensified the problem, for extroverts and introverts alike, says leadership expert Michael Bungay Stanier, author of 鈥淗ow to Work with (Almost) Anyone.鈥�
鈥淧eople have this desire to be seen and be heard,鈥� Bungay Stanier says, but on video calls, the group gets right to the business at hand rather than having the natural, informal interactions of a real room. It reduces people to 鈥渓ittle heads in squares.鈥�
It鈥檚 not easy to talk about this lack of friendship at work 鈥渂ecause it feels like a shameful confession,鈥� Bungay Stanier says. But his clients are beginning to bring up the subject.
Awkward as it may be, these are conversations worth having, according to psychology professor Laurie Santos, creator of Yale University鈥檚 well-known class 鈥淭he Science of Well Being."
At-work friendships are good for employers, too
In her own presentation at South by Southwest earlier this year, Santos cited research that showed workplace friendships and a sense of belonging are vital to employees鈥� happiness 鈥�- and companies鈥� success.
We assume that friendships at work are 鈥渁 nice-to-have, not a need-to-have,鈥� she said.
But 鈥渕aybe one of the reasons we鈥檙e all so disengaged at work, maybe one of the reasons 鈥榪uiet quitting鈥� seems so appealing, is that we鈥檙e actively not investing in the thing that might matter the most for our happiness at work, which is our connection with other people,鈥� Santos said.
New spaces, new programs and `casual collisions'
Some large companies began paying more attention to employee health long before the pandemic, often focusing on the physical: adding a gym to the office building or serving healthier food in the cafeteria.
Today, more employers 鈥渁re not just checking boxes, but actually looking at ways to really enhance people鈥檚 health and well-being,鈥� says Suzanne Heidelberger, who has led teams managing real-estate properties for global companies including American Express and Fidelity Investments. She focuses on bringing a hospitality mindset to corporate spaces.
For example, employers might:
鈥� Rethink physical spaces with relationships in mind, she says. Some companies are adding staircases, both to help people get more steps and to encourage the 鈥渃asual collisions鈥� that can lead to good relationships. Some are trying to transform green rooftops 鈥� created to be environmentally friendly 鈥� into gathering spaces.
鈥� Create groups and events to help employees find friends who share their interests. 鈥淚t could even be something goofy, like an ice cream social for dog lovers, where we鈥檙e going to teach you how to make healthy ice cream for your dog,鈥� Heidelberger says.
鈥� Offer online gatherings as well. During the pandemic, American Express offered online cooking classes that helped employees feel connected and introduced them to coworkers.
What employees can do
Employees are also seeking answers on their own, notes executive coach Daniel Boscaljon, founder of the Healthy Relationship Academy, which helps organizations build better workplaces.
It鈥檚 not always easy: As much as people crave relationships, he says, many lack strong interpersonal skills.
鈥淲hen you meet somebody with good relationship skills, a lot of times it鈥檚 like magic,鈥� Boscaljon says. 鈥淧eople open up, they鈥檒l start to talk, they鈥檒l feel comfortable. Then, sometimes, they鈥檒l have kind of a 鈥榲ulnerability hangover,鈥� where they鈥檙e like, 鈥業 was too open there. What just happened?鈥� 鈥� People are so unused to it.鈥�
One key, he says, is to work on one鈥檚 own well-being. 鈥淵ou can鈥檛 have a work personality and a home personality,鈥� he says. 鈥淲ho you are as a whole person shows up in every place that you鈥檙e in.鈥�
Another strategy, according to Bungay Stanier, is to communicate with coworkers about how you can best work together before you dive into a project.
鈥淲e鈥檝e all got our small little habits and preferences,鈥� he says. 鈥淎nd we assume what鈥檚 normal for us is normal for everyone.鈥�
Raising issues beforehand helps you 鈥渁void making small rips in the fabric of a relationship鈥� that keep people from becoming friends, Bungay Stanier says.
Those inevitable rips are also worth discussing. 鈥淭he relationships that thrive are ones that get repaired,鈥� he says.
Say hi
More than anything, remember the importance of everyday greetings at work 鈥� even if they make you a bit uncomfortable. A simple hello, Bungay Stanier says, could be the beginning of the end of loneliness.
Melissa Rayworth, The Associated Press
