Dear Lisi: My wife is boring and as a result I’m bored. She doesn’t ever want to do anything other than make it through the day. We have a busy life — we both have full-time careers, two children in school, parents, siblings — but she’s just on autopilot.
One of our children is heavily into soccer, so we’re often juggling getting her to and from practices, games and special soccer-related events. Our other child is deep into crafting, so we’re often finding creative events, showcasing other peoples’ crafts or courses in specialized crafts, etc. We try to divide and conquer, but I end up at soccer more because I’m either coaching or managing our daughter’s team.
I somehow come back from every practice with new and fun information, whether it’s about our daughter, her friends, soccer in general, the team, or something completely random that I learned from talking to other people. My wife comes back with nothing. She’s learned nothing, spoken to no one, unengaged with our other daughter. The dinner table is full of fun conversation, but my wife adds nothing.
I’ve tried to do fun things with her alone, away from the children, soccer and crafting, but when asked, she offers no ideas, nor enthusiasm. I’m getting ready to walk away but I still love her. What do I do?
Bored Spouse
Your wife sounds depressed. She also sounds as though she may be hitting a perimenopausal stage in life, which can have a significant impact on a woman’s hormonal balance, thus affecting her mood.
Do you know if she has been to her doctor recently? You may want to bring it up gently, that she seems unhappy, and that you’re wondering if perhaps she should get checked out from a health perspective to see if something is going on.
Start there. She may balk at your suggestion. If so, enlist the help of her mother, an older sister, or aunt. Some women get offended and/or defensive when their spouses discuss their hormonal imbalances; they feel it’s pigeonholing. But when an older woman brings up the same topic, it can feel sympathetic and enlightening. Don’t take it personally.
Dear Lisi: My girlfriend is obsessed with social media. She takes public transportation to and from work every day and has been known to miss her stop, in both directions, because she’s lost on TikTok, Instagram or playing some online game. If we have downtime, say, after dinner and before heading out, or while waiting for me to start a movie, she’s staring at her phone, completely oblivious to everything else.
I hate it. She’s made me hate it even more. She even gleans all her news off social media, which everyone knows is incomplete at best, and I often feel I’m talking to a teenager.
I’m ready to break up with her. I’ve moved on and need to leave her behind. But I love her and care about her, and I want her to disconnect and grow up for her own sake.
How do I approach this?
Grown apart
Social media and our smart phones are a known addiction. Psychologists and parenting experts often discuss the effects of social media on children, teenagers especially, but the feeling seems to be that, as you grow up and become an adult, you should be able to figure it out for yourself.
I don’t necessarily think that’s the case, especially post-COVID, depending on what life stage you were at during the extended lockdown.
Your girlfriend may legit be addicted, and, like any addiction, she’ll need help weaning herself off. But that’s not your job, and if it’s ended your relationship, then it’s over.
You’re kind to want to help her. Just be honest.
FEEDBACK Regarding the immobile elderly mother (Sept. 20):
Reader — Two weeks in bed is not enough time to lose muscle mass. Depression is more likely. Going for a walk may help but she may need more. She doesn’t mention her mother’s age or what kind of illness kept her in bed. Something else may be going on. She should see a professional.”
Lisi — On the contrary, two weeks is sufficient time for an elderly person to lose muscle mass, according to doctors. But I agree this woman may be depressed, and/or have other issues.
FEEDBACK Regarding the unfashionable wife (Sept. 24):
Reader — Few issues are so easily solved. My hair has become very frizzy in my senior years. After trying many products, my hairdresser recommended LOMA calming creme — anti frizz (available on Amazon). It needs the heat of a hairdryer to activate and leaves my hair smooth. He could buy it for her.
Lisi Tesher is an advice columnist based in Toronto. Send your relationship questions to [email protected].
